Talking to your elderly parents about accepting help is often an uncomfortable conversation.
You may be avoiding the conversation because you know that your parents may be in denial of needing help or become angry.
You may have tried talking to them, and it didn’t go well, and now you don’t know what to do. This is understandable.
Children caring for their parents is a role reversal that can be difficult for all parties involved. Luckily, there are steps that you can take to make the conversation easier.
Before you learn how to talk to elderly parents about accepting help, know what they need help with and the available care options.
Address issues as soon as they arise, be patient, and respect their autonomy. Work as a team to get your parent the care they need while maintaining their independence and lifestyle.
The first step is recognizing that your parent needs help.
Signs Your Parent Needs Help
You will need to understand your parent’s health issues, living conditions, and what kind of help they need.
Look for signs that your parents need help, such as:
- Poor diet can indicate they cannot go grocery shopping or meal prep
- Poor hygiene, such as body odor or greasy hair, can indicate they are having trouble bathing or grooming
- Irregular medication usage
- House unusually cluttered or dirty (compared to how they normally keep it) can show they are having trouble with housekeeping
Go through this checklist of activities of daily living (ADLs), the daily tasks we have to perform to care for ourselves.
This includes basic tasks such as bathing and going to the bathroom, and instrumental activities of daily living (IADLs), the tasks required to live independently, such as food preparation and housekeeping. See what level of assistance your parent requires for each task.
If you are able, you can go through this with them. If they are not open to this or are not realistic about their capabilities, try to use your best judgment.
Know Your Options
Now that you know that your parents need help and what kind of help, it is time to research the care options available.
The main types of care are:
- Care by family or friends: This can be a great option if they don’t need extensive medical care and have family or friends in the area who are able and willing to help them.
- Adult day service centers: Provide non-medical care, social interaction, and activities during business hours on weekdays.
- Home care: An ideal option if your parent wants to stay in their home and doesn’t require medical care but needs help with their daily tasks, such as bathing, grooming, meal preparation, transportation, or medication management.
- Home health care: Medical care provided at home.
- Long-term care facility: Assisted living, nursing homes, or retirement communities may be a necessary option if your parent needs round-the-clock medical care and cannot safely stay in their home.
Once you know what types of care are available, you can present your parent with the options. This sets realistic expectations and allows them to maintain some control over their lives.
They may prefer help from another family member or friends. They may also prefer the more thorough and professional care that a caregiver can provide.
Understand Why the Elderly Refuse Help
Before you talk to your parent, it can be helpful to try to understand why they might be reluctant to get help.
Your parents have most likely had the same habits and lived the same lifestyle for many years. They are facing a big change in their life, and as we all know, change can be scary.
They are also dealing with the logistical and emotional impact of losing at least some part of their independence.
Feeling dependent on people, even people who love you, is challenging, and they may be worried about being a burden.
They may feel a loss of control or identity.
All of this can result in them feeling scared or misunderstood. They may be in denial of needing help and even angry at being forced to confront these changes and feelings.
It is also important to consider if they have an illness contributing to their inability to see they need help, such as dementia.
Trying to see things from their perspective can help you be prepared to address their concerns.
You can tell them how much you love them and are willing to help them; reassure them that they are not a burden. Try to give them as much control as possible.
Address the Issues Early
Once you know they need help and have figured out the care options available, it is time to talk to your parent about accepting help.
Many people put off conversations they don’t want to have, but this conversation will only get more difficult.
Talking about this early can help your relationship and make sure that they get the care they need.
This will also give them a chance to get to know a caregiver and develop a relationship while they are still in relatively good health.
Pick Your Battles
While it is important to address issues early and have the conversation with your parent about accepting help, you have to pick your battles.
This is something that your parent had to learn while raising you, and now it is your turn.
Don’t get after them about every single thing that you think would be beneficial (such as eating better, joining an exercise class, going out more, etc…).
Focus on the things that are most important or that are concerns for their safety, such as home safety, driving safety, and medication compliance.
Start with the things that will make the biggest difference in their day-to-day life.
6 Tips for Talking to Your Parents About Accepting Help
Now that you are ready to talk to your parent about accepting help, consider these tips to help the conversation go smoothly.
1. Treat them with respect, empathy, and patience
This is a difficult conversation for everyone. Don’t go into it on the defensive or prepared to “win” an argument.
Remind yourself that this is a difficult change for them, and you need to be patient and show them empathy. They are still your parent, and they deserve to be shown respect.
2. Work as a team
If you only take one thing away from this article, I hope it is this: having a “team” mindset will make it easier for them to accept help and not feel like a burden or a child.
You aren’t dictating terms to them or forced to help them. You are all a team working together to help your parents be safe, comfortable, and as independent as possible.
Tell your parents that you are a team and all in this together.
Feel free to include other family members, doctors, and caregivers into their team as well.
3. Listen to their concerns
Don’t become defensive, deflect, belittle, or ignore their concerns. You need to really listen to what they have to say.
Some concerns can include, lack of independence, worries about their routine changing, financial concerns, or privacy concerns about a stranger in their home.
When talking to them, listen to their fears or worries and work together to address them.
Talk about how getting help will allow them to live the life they want, including staying in their home and being as independent as possible.
4. Recognize their autonomy
They are adults. Make sure that you treat them as such.
This also means that you have to accept their choice even if it means that they refuse help.
5. Talk about how it affects you and your relationship
Talk about how your concern for them affects you. Ask them to get help so that you or their grandkids can have peace of mind.
If you have been helping them and are trying to discuss a caregiver coming, talk about how if someone comes to help with cleaning or making meals, you would be able to spend more time actually interacting with them.
6. Discuss gradual changes
Unless they immediately need long-term care, make gradual changes.
Have a caregiver come once a week or for a few hours. Start small with help driving, light housekeeping, or meal preparation.
Don’t completely change their life.
Making gradual changes allows them time to adjust.
Practice Self-care
Whether the conversation goes great or they are unwilling to get help, it is important to remember that you tried. Don’t be too hard on yourself!
Dealing with your parent’s health declining is stressful. Make sure that you practice self-care and take care of your own health.
Find ways to relax and have fun. Find someone to talk to, either a friend, religious figure, support group, or therapist.
Start Care
Now that you have a better idea of how to talk to elderly parents about accepting help, it’s time to put your knowledge to use.
Once you have talked to your parent about accepting help and worked with them to develop a plan, the next step is to start with a care provider.
Our caregivers can help your parent with their daily needs, including bathing, grooming, medication compliance, meal prep, housekeeping, and transportation.
For those in the Monterey Bay or Santa Cruz area, give us a call today at (831) 708-2876 or reach us online to schedule a consultation where we can work as a team to tailor a care plan to your loved one’s needs!
